Monday, December 16, 2013

Thanksgiving Horror

We all have experienced in our lives when our relatives say something that is either totally inappropriate or horribly embarrassing. To my delight I had the wonderful opportunity of experiencing this utter horror when I came home this year for Thanksgiving dinner.

My Grandma Johnson over the years has tried so fervently to lend a helping hand in my dating life which she hopes will end with Eternal Marriage and Complete Happiness. To her disappointment I haven't been doing a very good job in being successful when it comes to Eternal Marriage. So this year she came up with a flawless plan that she was sure would be the end to my heartache and hopeless single life.

While sitting on the couch enjoying meaningless conversation with all my cousins. We of course got onto the subject of dating and marriage and of course repopulating the earth and how awesome of a job my cousins are doing in this department. And of course in my head I thought "Please Lord not again... don't ask me who I'm dating, don't ask me when am I going to get married and please don't tell me what I need to be doing in order to change my circumstances."

So to my delight I instantly get asked. "So Erica, tell us who are you dating right now? is it still that cowboy guy?  Shoot! I knew it.. Well here it goes! I take a deep breath and think quickly on how I'm going to respond. "Umm I'm not really dating anyone right now, and no the cowboy and I are on a break.. whatever that means." I'm sure by now you can all hear the sigh that then follows such tragic news. "oh really? that's too bad, You are such a great girl!! his loss for sure." "Yup" I respond his loss.. Please let this conversation end I think to myself, but of course it doesn't it just keeps getting better.

Well what are you doing to put yourself out there? Have you tried online? Do you go to your ward activities? Do your friends know anyone? You're almost 30! You need to get going on this!
Wo Wo! One question at a time! Yes I put myself out there and yes I go to my activities and online is not for me. But sometimes my Doctor likes to give me a hard time and if he sees someone come in that he thinks I'll be interested in, he finds a way to have me meet the guy he thinks I might like. I also get asked out on a regular basis by the old men that come into work. They may be 75yrs or older but hey from the looks of things I can either be changing their diapers or the diapers of a 21yr old.. so Its not like I don't have offers, they're just offers I'm not interested in."

My cousin Robby pipes in and says "Ya! I feel the same way. It's not like I don't get asked out either and I don't consider myself to be a shallow person, I just require a full set of teeth!"
 We all got a great laugh out of this and decided to move onto another subject. But to no avail, my grandmother had heard enough and needed to put an end to mine and Robby's misery. She pipes up and says, "Well it sounds to me that Erica you should just date Robby!" The whole room went dead silent! Did I just hear that right? My grandma just said that I need to date my cousin! Yup! You read it right! My grandma wants me to date my cousin! NOW YOU KNOW I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG! My grandma not only thinks that all hope is lost for me, but she thinks that its perfectly ok for me to date and marry my cousin!

"Oh Mercy! Heaven help me in my response back to this" i think to myself, because right now I'm wishing she had choked on her turkey during dinner. But lucky for me my Uncle responds first.
"Well grandma last I checked that's illegal,  and might mess up the family tree" Everyone laughed at that and I thought the subject would close. But nope it didn't! She was dead serious! She then says it again. "This would solve both your problems as she looks at me and then Robby who is sitting next to me. "You really should just date each other! "Well grandma i respond, I can see how you might think this is ok with me being adopted and all, and there being no blood relation.. but I'm not going to date and marry my cousin!" Can we say awkward!!!! YES WE CAN! AWKWARD!!!!! Bless her heart I know she's just looking out for me and in her delicate age right now and the light at the end of the tunnel is more like a spot light then a night light I can understand she just wants to make sure her family is all set before she goes. But honestly! I think I'd rather her say "Erica it looks like its just going to be you and your horse in the Eternities" But No.. she wants me to marry my cousin. Even as she is walking out the door for the night she turned to me and said "Erica just think about it, its a great idea!"  

So there you have it people! You know you are doing something wrong when your grandma feels there is no hope left for you to ever find someone and she starts trying to set you up with your cousins! Hopefully Christmas can come and go with out my grandma trying to set me up again. But hey maybe she'll just set me up with one of her friends and not one of my cousins because the only other cousin I have that is not married is a Jr. in high school, But Hey! Possibilities right?!!!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Things You Should NEVER Say To A Single Person

So I've been asked by many that I need to write down the funny things that happen in my life and my responses to these events when it comes to being single.  There are many things that we single people put up with in this society and there are many factors that put a lot of pressure on you as well. Friends, family, society, religion are just to name a few. Being single can be really hard these days I have found and with being as fabulous as me living in Utah, Cache Valley to be specific and 30 is right around the corner.. I'm not married and I don't have kids, I am the minority and because of this "situation" I find myself in.. people try to lend a VERY HELPING HAND. Because of my situation being such a rarity to come across..  When people find this out they look at me like "She must be doing something wrong"

And my response to their looks is "umm Ya!! DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S CROSSED MY MIND?!"

And then I remember the sweet words that my mother usually says to me when I call her crying over another failed relationship.. I use failed because it didn't result in getting married which people usually judge a successful relationship by.

She says to me "Erica you are such a beautiful, smart and talented girl, whats wrong with these boys?! He's stupid!" I think to myself "Yup! Mom your right, he is stupid.. but that doesn't change the fact that if he called me right now I'd totally answer..!!

So to start this off right lets talk a little about the great cliches that you get when your trying to date or you've just broken up again with someone and the never ending phone tree and gossip line gets started and everyone comes up to you to give you advice and to "mourn" with you and the great loss that you have just experienced. Get ready to put your best foot forward and I'm not meaning a swift kick in the rear end because sometimes lets be honest, you just want to punch some people in the face.

My Top 7 Favorite Cliches
That I get on a weekly basis!
 NOT KIDDING!! People say these to me all the time!

 My all-time favorite cliche that I get on a constant basis is:

1- "It happens when you least expect it or when your not looking" So what do you expect me to do for that one? not put myself out there because that's how your "not looking" or when I least expect it?? that's a great one, let me think of the times when I would least expect to meet someone. Like when I'm running a midnight dash to Walmart and I haven't showered in 3 days and my hair is a grease ball mess and I'm in my "fat" jammies because its that time of the month and my hormones are raging and I just had my 4th come-a-part for the day. YA!! you bet! that's when I'm least expecting it! So where is he?!! In the frozen food isle waiting for me to come flying down with my cart full of reinforcements and hes just standing there picking out a carton of Chunky Monkey Ice-Cream?!! Yup! like you said, when I least expect it.

In the latest breakup saga of my life my dear sweet mother decided that she was going to advise me her knowledgeable council. She had recently been watching the news and saw a report on the success of online dating. From discussing the latest breakup drama with my sweet grandma they concluded this was the solution to my problem and she was going to share it with me. To my delight she jumped right into telling me the solutions that she has decided that will solve my horrible problem and curse of being single.
This leads me to the next cliche that should never be said to a single person..

 2- She asks me "Erica.. Have you tried this online dating thing? I hear its really popular and the way to meet people! This is perfect for you!" I then respond after taking a long deep breath to calm my boiling blood.. "Yes mother I have.. it doesn't really work for me." "Well she responds.. is there something on your page that is scaring them off?" "Hmmm I respond. "That is a great question. I'm not really sure? All I've done is post a few pictures of me and talked a little about what I like to do for fun etc... so they are either scared by my appearance or they are scared that I like to do outdoor things and that family and my religion are important to me." I'm not really sure how to get that across without scaring people mom." At the end of the conversation there was no solution for making my description about myself less threatening. Failed again. If I cant even get a hit on my online profile I MUST be doing something wrong!

3- "The right guy will come a long when the time is right" So what exactly does that mean? I'm successful in my career, I'm out of debt, I have my own car and I can pay my own bills. What else do I need to have crossed off the list before the timing is right?!

4- "There are plenty of fish in the sea." This is always a classic because I look at the person that just said that to me and I think to myself "oh ya! Its the Salmon run and I have plenty to choose from! Have you looked around? Do you know where I live? I live in Logan! Need I say more!

5- "But you are so beautiful!" There is no easy way of responding to this one.. If you have a response I'd love to hear it.

6- "Trust me, marriage isn't all its cracked up to be." This one seriously is an all time goodie! I love when people say this to me because my response back to them is "Ya? Well I'm pretty sure you wouldn't give up your married life to be single again and living with roommates!"

Last but not least my next favorite cliche.

7- "So, Why are you not married? Or why are you single? You're so great!" Ummm Thank you? Really?!! you just asked me that? Don't you think that if I knew the answer to this I wouldn't be single?

So there you have it. A small compiled list of things that you should never say to a single person. There are tons more but these are my favorite that I seem to come across more often then not. Hope you all enjoyed and got a good laugh and a little insight into my life and the things people say and do when you are single. It really is comical!

Upcoming post: Ovaries and The Dreaded Ticking Time Bomb!!