We all have experienced in our lives when our relatives say something that is either totally inappropriate or horribly embarrassing. To my delight I had the wonderful opportunity of experiencing this utter horror when I came home this year for Thanksgiving dinner.
My Grandma Johnson over the years has tried so fervently to lend a helping hand in my dating life which she hopes will end with Eternal Marriage and Complete Happiness. To her disappointment I haven't been doing a very good job in being successful when it comes to Eternal Marriage. So this year she came up with a flawless plan that she was sure would be the end to my heartache and hopeless single life.
While sitting on the couch enjoying meaningless conversation with all my cousins. We of course got onto the subject of dating and marriage and of course repopulating the earth and how awesome of a job my cousins are doing in this department. And of course in my head I thought "Please Lord not again... don't ask me who I'm dating, don't ask me when am I going to get married and please don't tell me what I need to be doing in order to change my circumstances."
So to my delight I instantly get asked. "So Erica, tell us who are you dating right now? is it still that cowboy guy? Shoot! I knew it.. Well here it goes! I take a deep breath and think quickly on how I'm going to respond. "Umm I'm not really dating anyone right now, and no the cowboy and I are on a break.. whatever that means." I'm sure by now you can all hear the sigh that then follows such tragic news. "oh really? that's too bad, You are such a great girl!! his loss for sure." "Yup" I respond his loss.. Please let this conversation end I think to myself, but of course it doesn't it just keeps getting better.
Well what are you doing to put yourself out there? Have you tried online? Do you go to your ward activities? Do your friends know anyone? You're almost 30! You need to get going on this!
Wo Wo! One question at a time! Yes I put myself out there and yes I go to my activities and online is not for me. But sometimes my Doctor likes to give me a hard time and if he sees someone come in that he thinks I'll be interested in, he finds a way to have me meet the guy he thinks I might like. I also get asked out on a regular basis by the old men that come into work. They may be 75yrs or older but hey from the looks of things I can either be changing their diapers or the diapers of a 21yr old.. so Its not like I don't have offers, they're just offers I'm not interested in."
My cousin Robby pipes in and says "Ya! I feel the same way. It's not like I don't get asked out either and I don't consider myself to be a shallow person, I just require a full set of teeth!"
We all got a great laugh out of this and decided to move onto another subject. But to no avail, my grandmother had heard enough and needed to put an end to mine and Robby's misery. She pipes up and says, "Well it sounds to me that Erica you should just date Robby!" The whole room went dead silent! Did I just hear that right? My grandma just said that I need to date my cousin! Yup! You read it right! My grandma wants me to date my cousin! NOW YOU KNOW I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG! My grandma not only thinks that all hope is lost for me, but she thinks that its perfectly ok for me to date and marry my cousin!
"Oh Mercy! Heaven help me in my response back to this" i think to myself, because right now I'm wishing she had choked on her turkey during dinner. But lucky for me my Uncle responds first.
"Well grandma last I checked that's illegal, and might mess up the family tree" Everyone laughed at that and I thought the subject would close. But nope it didn't! She was dead serious! She then says it again. "This would solve both your problems as she looks at me and then Robby who is sitting next to me. "You really should just date each other! "Well grandma i respond, I can see how you might think this is ok with me being adopted and all, and there being no blood relation.. but I'm not going to date and marry my cousin!" Can we say awkward!!!! YES WE CAN! AWKWARD!!!!! Bless her heart I know she's just looking out for me and in her delicate age right now and the light at the end of the tunnel is more like a spot light then a night light I can understand she just wants to make sure her family is all set before she goes. But honestly! I think I'd rather her say "Erica it looks like its just going to be you and your horse in the Eternities" But No.. she wants me to marry my cousin. Even as she is walking out the door for the night she turned to me and said "Erica just think about it, its a great idea!"
So there you have it people! You know you are doing something wrong when your grandma feels there is no hope left for you to ever find someone and she starts trying to set you up with your cousins! Hopefully Christmas can come and go with out my grandma trying to set me up again. But hey maybe she'll just set me up with one of her friends and not one of my cousins because the only other cousin I have that is not married is a Jr. in high school, But Hey! Possibilities right?!!!
